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hola...

it really amazes me how much i used to be into blogging....and now...not so much.

i thought abt deleting this blog but i think ive got some pretty good shit right hurrr...some of it i prolly would NOT wanna re-read but good shit nonetheless.

i am at a completely and utterly different place in my life than i was 1 year ago. good and bad.

i dont think i could organize my thoughts into a real blog post. i apologize for my lack of effort.

im still alive and kicking tho if anyone was wondering lol.

holla at yall in another 6 months or so. brr.

oops

i missed my "blogaversary"...oops. it was on aug 1st and here it is aug 4th...sigh.

as i think back over the past year i realize somthin simple....the more things change the more they stay the same...

so while there have been a lot of changes in my life a lot has remained the same or come full circle in a way...

my mind wonders/wanders on a lot...

i cant divulge too much on here i just try to give the basics and let yall kno im still breathin lol

hope yall enjoyin the new music

holla

well well well

just checkin in...i kno i throw this blog a lot of shade (hell the whole blogosphere for real) but im still here...still alive and kickin lol hope yall are aight.

random....what is it that makes a person so uncomfortable abt being written abt in a blog (given that theres no names used or anything)...

i need to update my playlist...

oh yea yall need to go see that movie the orphan...shits CRAZY!!! lmao i aint neva adopting no kids ok!!! lol lol!

4 score and 7 years ago

i mentioned this on twitter today but....

7 years ago today i was overdue, fat, and miserable lol. i was due on june 24th but didnt end up having my daughter til july 4th. funny thing is after my dude date came and went i was soooo dead set against having her on the 4th i thought it was soooo corny and dumb but afterwards i thought it was awesome and played with some name changes....america, liberty, etc lol well that didnt happen but i still think holiday bdays are way cool...matter fact if i ever have anymore children im gonna plan to have them all on holidays or special days like valentines day hehe.

i kno some of my fellow bloggers are pregnant (yay) and i just wanna say dont be worried abt labor...it happens its painful but soon becomes a distant memory after your little one is safely here :)

ok...quick recap of my labor story...

so i was due on june 24 which was like a wednesday back in 2002 (yikes) and nothing...that sat comes and i get up out the bed and feel a splash im like ok thats weird did my water break but it wasnt like a waterfall or nothing like u see on tv so i was like whatever and then i didnt go into labor or anything so i was like double whatever...that tues i have a drs appt. im over dude clearly and tell her that its possible my water broke but she dismisses me sayin thats impossible cuz i would have gone into labor (ok fineeeee). but since im overdue she wants me to get a stress test to make sure everything is ok. so i walk down the hall and get the test down so while they are performing the test its a lot of hmmmms from the technician or dr whatever. finally they're like uh ur amneotic fluid is dangerously low so u must go to labor and delivery immediately. so i go into a panic...just a completel panic like omg is everything ok am i having the baby today im not ready etc. fast forward...i was given pitocin to activate my labor and things started to move quickly then they broke my water to discover she had a bowel movement in the womb (very dnagerous) so my labor gets going (hurts like hell) and i get to 4 centimeters and request the epidural asap. after like 3 attempts by the intern i was like wtf bitch u tryin to paralyze me the real dr took over and i got my epidural great. next thing i kno im stalled. its been like 24 hrs since i was admitted and i get to 4 centimeters and stop so that night they are like its been ovr 24 hrs the baby is stressed and u arent progressing so u need to think abt a c-section. i start crying out of control. after the fact i have no idea why i was sooo upset but i guess i had this idea of how everything was gonna go and it was like the complete opposite. soooo after talkin to my mom and other immediate family members (it was like 20 ppl there by the way on the way out the operating room one of the nurses was so pissed she was like i feel like im in a damn parade lol). anyway im like i dont wanna do this anymore lets just get to cutting. so i get in the operating room i get more drugs then they like can u scoot ovr to the operating table...uh no how bout i cant feel my fuckin legs so they kinda lift my fat ass ovr and then i get sick and throw up (from the meds. throwing up on ur back is horrible and i was embarassed like shit. but the anethesialogist was sooo nice i'll nvr forget how he rubbed my face during and after me vomiting lol lol. so anyway they cut me open and i see her im like ooooo ahhhh but im so fuckin out of it im like whatever. so finally after a lot of blood loss and things (from me not her lol) i get back to my room and im completely done and im all pale and dead lookin and drunk off meds and nodding off while im tryin to hold my daughter and they are like i can only have 1 visitor at a time cuz i was so sick ugh. sleep...and the next day was better lol. but i could nvr evr get the breastfeeding thing down...i did pump for like 6 weeks tho..a hell of a chore but well worth it. oh and sidenote...b/c my amenotic fluid was so low she didnt breathe in any of the bowel movement or meconium as its technically called which can get stuck in the babies lungs and stuff. so it all worked out and we are all still alive and well lol.

whew...ok so there it is...hope u enjoyed and if u didnt read it all the way screw u...im joking!!!!

sooooo while u guys are enjoying ur 4th of july bbqs and things this weekend think of my lil girl light a sparkler for her lol shes turning 7 awwww and shes just the cutest lil thing...future picasso and all that lol.

its just emotions (takin me overrrrr)

oh thats fitting with the beyonce concert tomorrow now aint it lol....

so ive been very sad lately...usually when i have thoughts abt my mom i just try to push them away cuz i get all sad and weepy but yesterday i had a conversation with someone and my feelings were just put on front street and i got ridiculously upset.

i dont usually acknowledge my feelings i try to tuck them away and then hide behind my anger cuz that feels safe for me. i just think anger is like one of the easiest emotions to exhibit...and its clearly a defense mechanism for a lot of people.

anyway thru this conversation it suddenly dawned on me that i lost just abt everyone that i was close to very unexpectedly and at the same time. the reason this sucks so bad is cuz the people i would normally turn to to help me cope and get some persepctive were all gone. and to make shit even worse some i'll nvr get back and those i have gotten back i kno that it will never ever be the same. i dont kno which is worse...loosing someone and never being able to get them back or loosing someone just to get them back and see that the relationship is just a shell of what it once was. i dunno.

and ive just been beefing so hard with people and trying to deal with my mom i just fucking feel emotionally drained...completely. i just dont even have any energy to give to anyone (well maybe like 2-3 people especially my lil bonitastar lol).

and i feel bad for feeling like this cuz i dont wanna take anything away from all the people who have supported me thru all this but its just different.

my life just feels like a tragic drama...catharsis yes thats the word.

moveeeee bitch

ok so i FINALLY moved lol. i got the apartment that i wanted in the area that i wanted and im pretty pleased with the outcome of everything. i was sooo dreading packing and moving (the actual work of it all) and waited til the last minute but i had so many people come thru and help i couldnt even complain and there was nooooo drama whatsoever :) so now we all have our own rooms lol i no longer have to get kicked and slapped by my wild sleepin ass child and my lil bro doesnt have to sleep in a room with pink, hearts, and flowers every damn where.....now if only we could get this cable together...MAJOR SIGH...i cant get my cable hooked up til next week and i am really dying. no cable and no freakin internet.

the best thing about movin tho is that all the mothafuckas that knew where i lived but no longer needed to know WONT lol and if i dont fuck with u then u aint comin in my shit....ahem babydaddy...

on another note today is the last day of school here in va sooooo that means EVERYONES summer can officially begin lol...the lil girl is being shipped off to her father/grandparents for the summer and my bro is headed to his grandparents for like the next month aye aye aye!!!! where the party at yall hahahaha!!!!!

obsessed

i got stalkers yall!!! its bad enough i gotta deal with my baby daddy's antics but now i got these hatin ass bitches cyber stalkin my ass on my blog and twitter lol lol...damn shame. i mean they openly admit to checking my blog and twitter page!!! i always thought that once u were done with someone u were done! i do not check for them in any way shape or form...do not ask about them, do not talk about them unless some shit goes down, and do not care about them. see when i told them back in JANUARY (yes 6 months ago) that i was over them and never wanted to be their friends again i meant that shit but for some reason i dont think they took it seriously.

the thing about stalkers is they dont want u to be happy with anyone else...they become obsessed with what ur doin and attempt to make ur life without them miserable. the only thing is ive never been better lol and thats the hardest pill for a stalker to swallow. for them to see u movin on hurts...

now ive talked about this situation sooo many times and never gave the full story...what happened was my good good friend (at the time)...lets call her thing 1...got upset because one of the many dudes that shes fucked over the years tried to holla at my cuz. my cuz being the person she is reached out to this bitch even tho she didnt have to cuz they werent friends and asked if it was cool. thing 1 says "do u". so my cuz proceeds with her life business as usual. that one text sparked so many emotions in thing 1 that she couldnt sleep that night (lol) and when she got to work the next morning she sent out a scathing email to myself and 4 other chicks that had nothin to do with nothin callin my cuz a desperate bitch (just to sum it up). that 1 email has spun into a beef that now emcompasses like 10 people.

on sat while i was gettin my hair done they were doin what they do on a saturday checkin my twitter page (lames!) and saw that i was at the salon and talkin shit abt them weak miserable ass bitches because every time i go to get my hair done the shit is brought up and im fuckin sick of it. as i said before GO SOMEWHERE ELSE BITCH! why u ask??? because u get laughed out before u come to the salon, while u at the salon, and after u leave the salon lol...id be embarassed but again these bitches have no shame. like she came to the salon to prove a point and did nothing got laughed out by my friend who hasnt liked this bitch since 2000...lets call her lil bit cuz shes every bit of 90 pounds. so lil bit gets laughed out in the salon by not 1 but 2 people and says nothing. all the cronies gather at thing 1's ghetto ass apartment and the best thing they could come up with was oo lets post something on her facebook wall. lol lol then lil bit aint even have the guts to post nothin they hyped thing 1 up as usual to do their dirty work and she got put out there lol...

all i wanted to kno is what kind of a trifling ass bitch fucks random as niggas while her kids are sleeping in the same bed??? i just wanna kno cuz thats the nastiest shit ive ever heard lol so thats why my i made the severe facebook status change cuz i was over it. my thing is...if she aint have such a nasty ass attitude these dudes she fuckin wouldnt be so quick to throw her under the damn bus. i mean i seen this dude at a club and once i said i aint fuck with her no more he couldnt wait to talk about how fucked up her attitude was how bad her kids were and even recanted a story of how they used to fuck in the bed at her moms house while her kids were in the same bed and one time he accidently reached over and touched one of the boys legs and he was done. i mean these are the kinds of tragic storylines that makes up these bitches lives. and this all happened last year mind u...and her kids are not fuckin babies. so i lost all respect for that bitch...i mean the very little i had left. u see now why they miserable right??

at this point theres no more talkin. honestly i owe these bitches like 3 ass whoopins and i been givin out free pass after free pass tryin to be diplomatic but im done. twitter is on lock now cuz i just cant have them all in my bizz thinkin they can be a part of my life...no ma'am. as far as this blog im sure they will continue to check it and eventually ima have to go private.

and fyi bitches if u readin ima keep talkin shit til one of u bitches shuts me up...which will never happen holla.